[From the Department of Utterly Fake News: Nutrition]
The Chester Plan
The government is working on a plan that promises to feed qualifying US citizens for years after a major disaster, such as a nuclear war, a White House source has divulged.
This plan, which includes underground bunkers and covert gas stations converted to dispense only diet coke, has been forming for over a year under the code name ‘Chester’. in an apparent homage to a food that may only remain available to the ultra-rich, Cheetos.
“A major concern to the administration is that while crops may still grow in limited areas, the staples of an American diet, such as Diet Coke and Cheetos, may become difficult to produce,” stated our source.
Following the tradition of many first ladies, Melania Trump has had a hand in planning a diet suitable for the target population. “We initially thought that the Lemonade Cleanse Diet would be simple,” our source informed us, “but we began to understand the complexity when we realized that the only two ingredients, which are real lemons and maple syrup, may become difficult to procure, as the proletariat might try to use them as foods. Thus we came up with an entirely synthetic lemon-maple flavored kool-aid, to which one only has to add water.”
The break from the 9 day fast is traditionally raw kale with vinegar, which presented further problems. Nutritionists from McDonald’s, who have been recruited as consultants for the plan, assisted with this obstacle by re-purposing the ingredients of the ‘vegan burger’ they are marketing in India.
“That information is so proprietary [that] even we don’t know the ingredients,” our source explained. “But tests have shown that models will eat the fat-free version.”
Surprisingly, Cheeto storage didn’t present as much of a problem. “…we quickly settled on linking the abandoned coal mines to the underground bunker system and using the mines for storage. The only challenge was painting the tunnels that precise hue of orange, so stray coal chips blend right in [sic]”…” thanks to the new EPA standards, the paint didn’t have to be lead-free. We even saved taxpayer dollars by using some of the reserves that we were keeping for use if HUD decided to repaint the affordable housing, which we don’t foresee happening in the future.” He went on to say that the Cheetos stored this way had been approved in a blind taste test, although he was not forthcoming about the details.
When asked if this supply would be sufficient for the entire population, our source explained that this was not necessary. “Foraging for food is as natural to the stock as breathing and we expect that many of them will cease exerting themselves by doing so much as trying to inhale. It takes true laziness to stay poor in this country.”
We inquired as to why he had chosen to leak classified information when it was clear that he was still involved in the planning.
“We felt that the donors who really count were becoming nervous,” he stated. “We chose to give them a little controlled reassurance without disclosing details that might compromise national security.”