Q:How do I Keep my Neighbors from Stealing my Herbs?

Answer: I used to live in a tiny house with an enormous mango tree, as well as an avocado tree in the yard. My neighbors constantly stole things, most of which I would gladly have given to them. One time, they broke into my yard, (could have knocked but they broke in all the time), […]

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How to Use Your Spork Properly

From popular joking points in kitchens, people learn to properly use a spork in jail. Prisoners are given plastic sporks because they can’t be weaponized. Sporks have been around a long time. They were first patented in the U.S. in the mid 1800’s, although the idea wasn’t new. The concept behind a spork, other than […]

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Season’s Greetings!

This delight is tofurkey, brought to a full thanksgiving dinner.  

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Mac’s Apple Pie: Missouri Moonshine in the Fall

[This is transcribed from an audio recording I made with Merlin, a friend from Missouri] Me: So, Mac, you have quite a different recipe for Apple Pie than I did, from my mother, growing up, and I wanted you to give us a little education about it. Mac: Well…Apple Pie means a lot of things […]

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Mom’s Apple Pie: Life on an Old Oregon Orchard

Portland Oregon, early 1970’s: My mother was a terrific baker. In Oregon we lived on a new big home on the old, and mostly sold off, homestead but she spent the spring planting the few acres left and the fruit trees were allowed to escape golf-lawn decimation. The rototiller, manned by an increasingly, impossibly deaf […]

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7 ways to screw up a Jameson and Soda

Wait, you didn’t think there were any? Think again, especially before you travel. I lived in Miami for a few years right before and during the ‘Great Recession’, and before the Era of Mixologists began. It may have begun in a few places but no one could afford to go to those places and many […]

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A Tribute to Anthony Bourdain: Love and Endless Cruelty

I’m still trying to recover from the death of Anthony Bourdain. I look at his past episodes and the social media which I normally avoid. This was the only time in my life that I wished that someone I loved had relapsed and O.D.’d. The most pithy comment I saw on Twitter was made by […]

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Gastronicum

Pure Gold   Johnathan Gold, you will be greatly missed. Your voice was like petting the softest fur and your intelligence was astonishing. I listened from afar and tried to never miss a show on Good Food’s podcast. R.I.P. Donugs? Maybe you’ve heard about this one if you hang out on social media but the […]

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Why is the Chai Blue?

So you find yourself in a coffee shop one day and watch a guy ahead of you picking up a brilliant blue drink. It looks like Smurf blood with a swirl of foam, yet strangely appealing. You ask your barista what the beverage is. “It’s blue Chai, made with blue Matcha”, she answers helpfully. “What […]

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The Chester Plan

[From the Department of Utterly Fake News: Nutrition] The Chester Plan The government is working on a plan that promises to feed qualifying US citizens for years after a major disaster, such as a nuclear war, a White House source has divulged. This plan, which includes underground bunkers and covert gas stations converted to dispense […]

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